Posts Tagged ‘adoption healing’

Adopted Children Learn What They Live

Friday, November 21st, 2014

Years ago my adoptive mother proudly hung a famous poem in our home titled “Children Learn What They Live,” by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D., a person who was keenly aware of the benefits of positive youth development. It remained there for years. Now that I’m post 50 and discovered at age 48 that I’d been adopted, I’ve wondered about that poem, wondered “positive youth development for who?” We need to remember that it means positive for the adoptee and from their perspective since they are the ones who are going to be living their lives.

This is my twist on that poem, my hope and dream for what a truly positive message for adoptees might look like –

ADOPTED CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If adopted children live with parents who are called their “real” parents, they learn that they came from “unreal” parents and that they’re rooted in something unreal, untrue, and unworthy of acknowledgement.

If adopted children live with labels like “chosen” or “lucky,” they learn that they were first unchosen and unlucky.

If adopted children live love defined by “your first mother loved you so much that they gave you up for adoption,” they learn that real love means being given away and to fear being given away every time they are told how much they are loved.

If adopted children live as “the answer to their parent’s prayers,” they learn that their sole purpose in life is to make others happy or risk a second abandonment if they don’t.

If adopted children live “Forever Family,” they learn that they’re like an adopted puppy or kitten, something to be acquired.

If adopted children live that finding first family is wrong, they learn that their deep need to know about their origins is wrong as well, and despair, sometimes waiting until it’s too late to find their truths.

If adopted children live with secret adoptions and no access to their original birth certificates, health histories, and heritages, they learn that they are not valued for who they were and question if they’re as worthless as the paper their amended birth certificates are printed on.

If adopted children live that adoption is only a blessing, they learn that their feelings of loss are invalid, and there must be something wrong with them for feeling that way.

If adopted children live that their trauma is real and their sadness over it is normal, they learn that their feelings are important and appropriate too.

If adopted children live with the opportunity to grieve, they learn they can survive and even thrive after loss.

If adopted children live with validated feelings, they learn that others genuinely care and value them.

If adopted children live with knowledge of their original identities, they can live authentically as themselves and not have to pretend to be someone else to be loved.

If adopted children live within an honest familial and societal system, they learn that they are more than a baby to be acquired and trust that they are valued just as they are.

By Joanne C. Currao born Tracey Elisabeth McCullough

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Adoption Healing and What It’s Like to Be Found

Friday, September 12th, 2014

I’m excited to hit the road soon and meet fellow secret sons and daughters at two upcoming weekend retreats. The first is Inside Out: The Expressive Arts Adoption Healing Seminar, September 27-28 in Westfield, Massachusetts. Created and led by adoptee Craig Hyman, this workshop uses creative expression to foster healing and growth for birth and adoptive parents as well as adoptees.

I’ll be guest-facilitating this year’s Westfield workshop at a place very near to my heart, Genesis Spiritual Life and Conference Center. Before Genesis was founded in 1976, it was Holy Child Guild, a home for unwed mothers and the place my birthmother roamed her last trimester before I was born. Two sisters from the Sisters of Providence transformed the property from a place that was once a source of hidden identities and shame to a spiritual retreat that offers innovate programs for persons of all faiths, cultures, and lifestyles.

Genesis Spiritual Life Center

Genesis Spiritual Life Center

I visited for the first time three years ago and slept in a room that was like the one my birthmother would have slept in, ate where the girls would have eaten, saw pictures of them (none with a visible face) at a Halloween party, and met Sister Elizabeth, one of the people responsible for Holy Child’s transformation. Meeting her, and learning how that transformation came to be, was a great source of inspiration and healing.

There is a quote on Genesis’s website that embodies the spirit of the workshops held on their 19 woodsy acres: “Oh, great Father, never let me judge another man until I have walked in his moccasins for two weeks.” – A Prayer for Understanding

One good way to walk in someone’s moccasins is to listen to his or her story, which is why Heather and Mary and I love helping fellow adoptees share them. There’s value in sharing your story, but before that, and perhaps even more importantly, there’s value in knowing it for yourself.

What is the story you tell yourself about adoption, reunion, and secrets? And how has that impacted your life? In our Sunday morning workshop, we’ll explore those questions through writing prompts and exercises (sharing of stories is completely optional).

On October 17-19, I’ll be traveling to Concerned United Birthparents’ annual retreat at Safety Harbor Resort near Tampa. CUB President Patty Collings sent an email introducing the three adoptees (myself included) who will speak on the panel “Being Found-Blessings and Challenges.”

Safety Harbor Resort, Florida

Safety Harbor Resort, Florida

Michael Turcotte, the birthson of Lee Campbell (CUB founder), is one of the other panelists. Lee found Michael when he was 15. I’ve heard a lot about Lee’s story and the more I’ve read, and watched, and wrote (our story about CUB here), the more I wondered what it was like for Michael. What was it like having his reunion talked about on Phil Donahue? What was it like to be found at 15, in the 1970s when no one talked about this stuff? And what was it like for him with his adoptive parents in the years that followed?

Today’s books and articles on adoption didn’t exist then, nor was there any advice given to adoptive parents on how, when, or why to talk to their children, answer their questions, or, God forbid, have a birthparent in his or her life.

I lived that challenge, too. At 13, I learned I was adopted. My birthmother found me when I was 19. I wished I’d known someone, anyone, back then who had gone through that experience. Someone else who’d made a choice to know his birthmother or father, like Michael. I’m so curious to hear him speak to those experiences at the retreat. 

And I’m also excited to hear the second panelist, Christine Murphy, author of Taking Down the Wall, share why being found was traumatic and caused her to initially resist a relationship with her biological relatives, as well as what later changed and fostered a relationship that led to healing. After Patty’s email went out, I kept thinking, Christine Murphy, where do I know that name from? Turns out we had corresponded six years ago over an essay I’d written that appeared in Ladies’ Home Journal that they’d titled “Torn Between Two Mothers.” 

We realized we’d both grown up in New York’s Albany-Saratoga region and met for coffee this summer in Saratoga. As Christine shared her story I was so struck, and impressed, by how she owned the angry parts that come about after a reunion. I also realized that for all the stories we’ve shared on Secret Sons & Daughters, only two of them are by people who had been found, all the rest are from adoptees who had to search. If you were found, I’d love to hear what that was like, either in the comments section below, or please send me a note: ck@secretsonsanddaughters.org.

In addition to our panel on what it was like to be found, the retreat will feature a panel on the impact of open adoptions that close, a talk with Mari Steed of The Philomena Project, and more. 

Hope to see you there! – Christine

For more information visit: Inside Out: The Expressive Arts Adoption Healing Seminar, and Concerned United Birthparents Annual Retreat. Note: Safety Harbor Resort’s group rate is available through September 22, 2014, then based on availability after that date.