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Paige Strickland, Author of “Akin to the Truth: A Memoir of Adoption and Identity,” Speaks About Self-Publishing Her Book

Friday, April 4th, 2014

Author, Paige Strickland, answers questions from the co-founders of Secret Sons and Daughters on how to self-publish an adoption memoir.

Secret Sons & Daughters: What prompted you to write a memoir about your adoption? 

Paige: When my kids and I visited my mom’s house during the summer of 2002, they grew curious about my complex family history after they viewed some of our old slides. For the first time, my kids wanted to hear all the details of my youth, including the “bad” fashion tastes of the ‘70’s.

I’ve always enjoyed writing, but it wasn’t until that same summer when I enrolled my kids in a daily, three-hour summer course that I found the time to write more seriously. My project began as a document of family trees and stories for my kids, but over time, it grew into much more.

Secret Sons & Daughters: What part of your adoption experience did you choose to focus on most?

Paige: My story reflects how it felt to be raised as an adopted kid in the 1960’s through the 1980’s, a time when adoption was more shameful. I also cover my search experience and what it was like to finally find my biological family members in 1987 and 1988.

Secret Sons & Daughters: What was the easiest part of your writing process?

Paige: I was truly motivated to write, and as an adoptee, I have the firsthand knowledge and expertise to convey how it feels to be adopted.

Secret Sons & Daughters: What was the most difficult part? 

Paige: Dealing with the daily distractions of life. When I started to write this book, my kids were in school. Although they were old enough to entertain themselves, I was also working at a time consuming job. It was hard to find the energy to teach to the best of my ability and give my children the attention they deserved.

Secret Sons & Daughters:  Who encouraged and supported you the most during the writing process?

Paige: My husband, our kids, my sisters and friends all helped in various ways, including serving as first readers. I also hired a professional editor and joined a local writing group called Writing Workshop-Workshop, which is a spin-off of the Cincinnati Tri-State Writers Group. I highly recommend joining a writing group. They provide invaluable feedback.

Secret Sons & Daughters: Through the process of writing your memoir, did you discover something about yourself, or about the relationships you shared through the years with your families?

Paige: As I wrote my memoir, I began to realize just how dominant my adoptive dad really was. He had always been that way, but through the process of writing, I was able to see it much more clearly.

Writing got a lot of “garbage” out of my system. I wrote for me. However, I had to really soul search during the editing process.  For example, writing about my father was tricky, but in the end I wanted my story to be honest, so he had to be in there. There were other things too that I had to decide if I should mention and consider what sort of impression I wanted to leave on my readers. That thinking ties very closely to the typical adoptee mentality of, ‘I don’t want to offend anyone, lest they reject me.’ I hope I struck a happy medium.

Secret Sons & Daughters: What authors inspired you?

Paige: I’ve been most inspired recently by other memoirists. Right before I began writing my book, I had read Angela’s Ashes by the late Frank McCourt. I loved his style of writing about the past in the present tense. I think he was brave to disclose so much about himself and his family. He was also a teacher, so I thought if this guy could do it, so could I!

I enjoy books by Jeanette Walls, The Glass Castle in particular. I like how she presented her father-daughter relationship. That meant a lot to me because I also have a similar theme. Jennifer Lauck’s books, Lost and Blackbird were great ones as well. I read a lot of other adoption-themed memoirs as I continued to write. Though I read these books and many others for my professional growth as a writer, they also entertained me.

Secret Sons & Daughters: How long did it take you to complete your memoir? 

Paige: I began the project in the summer of 2002, and I wrote during every school vacation through June 2008. I edited until May of 2012, let my editor have her turn with it, and then I did a few more pass-throughs before going live. I  released my memoir on the Kindle and iPad on September 15, 2013. The printed version was released one week later on September 23.

Secret Sons & Daughters: Why did you choose to self-publish your memoir? 

Paige: For about 18 months, I queried over 100 agents through Querytracker.net. A few agents/agencies requested sample chapters, but beyond that, I had no further luck. I attempted this query during the downturn of our economy, and quite a few of my rejection messages stated that the agents could not afford to take on additional clients at the time. I am not famous, nor do I have special connections, so I figured my chances of being published with a traditional publishing house were pretty slim. When I had exhausted this route, I decided to take the independent one instead.

Secret Sons & Daughters: How do you self-publish a memoir—what are the steps?

Paige: I don’t know if there is more than one way, but I do know the answer to this is based on your goals. If your goal is to write a family history document alone, you can use a “vanity press” or small local publisher and have print copies made for your relatives. It typically costs between $100 and $1,000, depending on how many copies you order.

If you have enough of a story from which you can create a plot, conflict, and interesting characters to read more like literature, then you may be able to query traditional publishers, or try your hand at independent publishing.

If an agent or traditional publisher accepts your work, you sign over many of your decisions for the sake of getting published. The publisher and editors take over from there, often changing a title, selecting a cover image, and other potential changes. You may lose much of your creative control in the process.

I used 99 Designs to create my book cover. Nelly was my talented cover designer. Design costs run between $100-$600.

Next, I secured a Bowker—ISBN numbers for my iPad, Kindle and print editions of the book for $250. I also created accounts at Amazon Kindle, CreateSpace, and Apple.

Secret Sons & Daughters: Where can your memoir be purchased?

Paige: At this current time, it is available through the Apple iBooks store and on Amazon.com. Two local stores in my hometown of Cincinnati carry it as well: The Bookshelf in Madeira and The Booksellers on Fountain Square. I’m in the process of having printed editions available in retail stores like Barnes and Noble. For now, my memoir in print can be ordered online via BarnesandNoble.com, but not for Nooks.

Secret Sons & Daughters:  Paige, thanks so much for taking the time to share what it was like to write and self-publish your memoir.

 

 

New Era for Ohio Adoptees Began Today

Thursday, March 20th, 2014

Becky Drinnen’s adoption was finalized in mid-December, 1963, just weeks before Ohio began sealing birth records on January 1, 1964. She has had her original birth certificate since 1981, what she calls “important proof of my identity.” What if her adoption had been delayed just a few weeks? “My birth mother would have signed the same documents, my adoptive parents would have signed the same documents, yet I would not have had access to my original birth certificate,” she said. “Which strikes me as completely ridiculous, and illustrates the ridiculousness of the tiered access laws.”

The first step in eliminating those tiers, and creating equal access for Ohio adoptees, began today.  On December 19, 2013, Ohio Governor John Kasich signed Substitute Senate Bill 23 into law, granting 400,000 adoptees born January 1, 1964 through September 18, 1996 access to their original birth certificates. The law has two key dates.

Between today, March 20, 2014, and March 19, 2015, birth parents may file a “Contact Preference” form or a “Birth Parent Name Redaction” form.  The redaction form allows a birth parent to have his or her name removed from the original birth certificate prior to its requested release. If a birth parent chooses to submit the form, a complete social/medical history form must also be submitted. All forms are voluntary, and if the handful of states that have enacted similar legislation are an indicator, a very small percentage of birth parents choose to redact.

Once this waiting period is complete, adoptees can apply for their original birth certificates beginning March 20, 2015.

This bill is 25 years in the making and the result of several dedicated people, many of whom worked with Adoption Equity Ohio and it’s prime sponsor Adoption Network Cleveland. One of those dedicated people is Betsie Norris, Executive Director of Adoption Network Cleveland, and an adoptee whose father was partially responsible not only for Ohio’s sealed records practice, but also for its reversal many years later when he testified in support of the practice’s demise.

Ms. Norris searched and was reunited with her birthparents in 1986. Much to her surprise she found that her birth mother and birth father had married and had three sons. They welcomed her in to their family. In 1988, she founded Adoption Network Cleveland to provide support and assistance to others and decrease secrecy in adoption.  “Secrecy had been so powerful,” she said. “I was steadfast in wanting to create a discourse between all three sides.” Over the years, Adoption Network Cleveland has assisted in more than 1,850 adoptee-birthparent reunions.

Ms. Norris has also worked on open access legislation since 1989, and was thrilled that the bill passed virtually unanimously with bipartisan support. In addition, she said, “Ohio is the only state thus far to have a Right to Life group support the legislation.”

Adoption Network Cleveland’s excellent resource page provides birth parents and adoptees with information on what to do and when in terms of the new law.

Ohio adoptees can celebrate the new law at the 38th Cleveland International Film Festival (CIFF) next Tuesday and Wednesday, March 25 and 26, when two documentary films by Jean Strauss will be shown together:

An Adoptee ROARed in Ohio is a short documentary that reveals the interesting story behind Ohio’s sealed records, and how Betsie Norris worked tirelessly to change a system her own father had inadvertently created; and A Simple Piece of Paper, a moving documentary that follows more than a dozen individuals as they apply to the State of Illinois to discover the truth about their origins. The latter offers a preview of what could be in store for Ohio adoptees. Tickets are available here or by calling: 877-304-3456. Use discount code “ADOPT” to save $2.00 off the $14.00 admission price.

Nine states have passed similar legislation. Details are available on our Restored Access States page. In addition, New JerseyNew YorkConnecticut, Pennsylvania, and Colorado currently have similar legislation pending. To help support access legislation in any of those states click on the state name to be linked to each state’s version of Adoption Equity Ohio.

Kendra Crookston, whose reunion story Making Sense of Fantasy and Reality is featured on Secret Sons & Daughters, was born during Ohio’s 32 year period of sealed records. Even though she knows her birth parents’ names, she says that when the time comes, she’ll be in line for her record. “To many, I can imagine, the point must seem moot. I can assure you, it is not,” she said. “My existing birth certificate reflects little truth about my birth, and my original one is another piece to a life long puzzle.”

 

An Adult Adoptee’s Dilemma: To Search or Not to Search

Saturday, March 8th, 2014

Imagine you are at your favorite Chinese restaurant. A bill tray and three fortune cookies are slipped on the table in front of you. Before you dig into your wallet or purse, you grab the first cookie, crack it open and read the enclosed message, “Don’t wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it.” Amen, you might think, it must be a sign. I should just go for it.

You crush the next cookie. “I think you ate your fortune, while you were eating your cookie.”

Now, you stare at that last cookie. This one will to be the fortune that yields all the answers. You inhale deeply, break the cookie in half and pull out the white narrow strip—“Next time you have the opportunity, go on a rollercoaster.”

When I seriously considered whether I should or should not search for my birth family, I might as well have turned to fortune cookies to guide me in the right direction. At the time, I did not know of any other adoptees wanting to make a search.

Adoption forum boards, private Facebook discussion groups, and fellow adoptee Twitter feeds did not exist. Research on the subject of searching was scarce and adoptees were expected to just be grateful that they were adopted. Although my adoptive parents were responsive to my questions—not even knowing if I should crack open the proverbial cookie in the first place, hurled me straight aboard the search and reunion roller coaster.

I was under ten-years-old, when I absorbed the meaning of being adopted from an era where adoptions were closed. I felt an internal dilemma riddled with ongoing debate and mystery.

Even though I was being raised in a loving and supportive adoptive family, I still yearned to fill the holes drilled into my being.

By the time I was a young teenager, my craving for answers grew. I would frequently ask myself: “Where did I come from; why was I given up for adoption; what is my birth story; what does my birth family look like; do I have biological brothers and sisters; and what is my ancestral and medical background?

I would often seek signs from the universe to tell me if I should actually proceed with a search, and longingly look up at the stars on my birthday wishing that my birth relatives might be doing the same. When I was sixteen-years-old, I even attempted to will the name of my birth mother and father right off the page of the non-identifying information that accompanied my altered birth certificate!

It wasn’t until I reached my late teens, that I asked my parents for their help to search. I felt a thrilling sense of excitement and overwhelming spell of fear. The thought of slashing into the now archaic principle—a birth mother has the right to privacy—caused me alarm. If my search were successful, I would have to be prepared to deal with any and all possibilities.

Even though I strongly desired to capture my missing information, I made it clear to my parents that I was not looking to replace any of my adoptive family. In fact, it was because I felt loved and secure in my adoptive family that I felt confident enough to search. I hoped to eventually meet and love my birth relatives, but I was painfully aware that I might not find a fairytale ending.

With the aide of my parents, a dedicated adoption search angel, and a few clues, I was fortunate to find my birth mother at the age of twenty-one—in the state of Texas— where birth records remain sealed today. Our reunion did not fill in every one of my missing holes, but I have no regrets. I accept what I’m able to know, and I’m grateful to know it.

Like many adoptees, my longing to potentially search occurred as a child, but according to 2007 statistics from the American Adoption Congress, some adoptees are motivated only after a triggering event—which could be a marriage, the birth of a baby, or following the passing of a loved one.

Still, I have other adopted friends who have never felt the same need to seek out their pasts. Some prefer to leave well enough alone. They are either quite content to leave the past in the past, are afraid of finding something negative, fear rejection, or dread the idea of potentially hurting their adoptive families.

The adult adoptee’s dilemma of whether to make that search or not, is a deeply complicated and personal preference. And thankfully, today, an adoptee does not have to make the search decision—alone. Adoption research abounds, and books, adoptee memoirs and adoptee essays are plentiful, including several that are on Secret Sons & Daughters’ Adoptee Tales “Searching” page.

Sometimes just reading the stories of others can help provide a sense of a future direction that might be right for you, which can make that fortune telling scenario a thing of the past.

Stay tuned for my upcoming post on resources and tips for searching for your birth family…

How did you feel when you decided to search for your birth family? What was your experience? Would you like your medical history without an ongoing relationship?

The Philomena Effect—An Adoptee Reflects on Truth and Silence

Wednesday, February 26th, 2014

When Philomena first debuted in theaters, I’ll admit I was afraid to see it. It wasn’t because I thought it would be no good (Judi Dench stars in it after all). I was afraid it would be too good. A friend had texted: “Have you seen Philomena? Just saw it. SO good. Made me think of Ann.” By the end of the movie’s first week, two more friends had emailed, “thought of Ann through the movie.”

There was no way I was going to see that film now. My birth mother, Ann, passed away four years ago, and I was hesitant to trigger the very lonely, and very “complicated grief” (therapist’s term) I struggled with in holiday seasons past. Why see a movie about a naive Irish teenager who had made love, got pregnant, was sent away, and then forced to give up her son for adoption and keep quiet? A trajectory that was the same as Ann’s, and a son whose existence was a secret, like I was, albeit not for 50 years.

I had work deadlines, holiday shopping, a packed month of basketball games and holiday events to attend—and a determination to avoid anything that could cast a somber tone on Christmas.

And then, on December 18, after the last deadline was met, and the presents were bought, and our guests were due to arrive, I had a change of heart. We had been quietly working on Secret Sons & Daughters for months. I had to see the film, so I texted Heather: “Philomena —11 am tomorrow?”

And off we went. We sat in a nearly empty theatre, a few rows in front of a group of college girls home for break, and I discovered that there was everything and nothing somber about Philomena.

I laughed when Philomena spoke bluntly about her sexual parts, and felt my heart rest as I listened to her soft way of saying hard things in scene after scene. Ann had both those qualities. Then there was the irony—the scene where Philomena asks Martin if he could use a fake name for her in his article, “or maybe Anne, Anne Boleyn” she mused.

What surprised me most though, was that I was as captivated by Martin Sixsmith’s storyline as I was by Philomena’s. To me, he was sort of like Nick Carraway to The Great Gatsby’s Jay Gatsby—a peripheral narrator whose life changes as he witnesses a story and becomes part of the action unfolding. Sixsmith’s interactions and observations are what cause us to think about the role we play in viewing our pasts, and the role of faith, as we watch Martin’s faith and beliefs about human nature (or at least “human interest” stories) be tested during his pursuit of Philomena’s story.

Perhaps that’s how Philomena might change others too, not in a Martin Sixsmith journalist sort of way, but maybe in the way we decide what to keep secret.

In the days after I’d seen the film, there was one scene that lingered. It’s the part when Philomena grapples with which is the greater sin—what she did, or keeping the secret for 50 years—and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why until I was talking about the movie with an editor I often work with, who is also a friend and adoptive father.

Preparing to launch Secret Sons & Daughters has a strange coming out of the closet feel to it for me, I shared with him. I’m thrilled one minute, and then truly dread that someone will actually read through it the next. The site’s mission goes against a natural impulse.

I’m from a generation that was supposed to keep quiet about adoption, be thankful, be loyal—why dredge up the past? Don’t dredge up the past—that’s the kind thing to do. And yet there’s a part of me that believes that the kindest thing you can do for another person is to listen and try to see him or her, the true him or her, and honor those stories—even stand up for those stories, as Philomena’s daughter Jane, and Martin Sixsmith and Judi Dench, and Steve Coogan have done with this film.

In our own small way, that’s what we hope to do with each Secret Son & Daughter story shared. If you have a story to tell, we’d love to hear it. And your thoughts on Philomena too—what parts of the movie struck you?

Image Credit: JUDI DENCH and STEVE COOGAN star in PHILOMENA, Photo by Alex Bailey © 2013 The Weinstein Company.

10 Questions to Ask When Searching for an Adoption Competent Therapist

Friday, February 21st, 2014

Provided by adoption therapist, Leslie Pate Mackinnon, who recently appeared on Katie Couric’s show as the “American Philomena.”

Leslie Pate Mackinnon, L.C.S.W., has maintained a private psychotherapy practice for more than 38 years and she speaks internationally on issues that impact families conceived through adoption and third-party reproduction. She has been on Good Morning America with Robin Roberts, and on CNN discussing the impact of the internet on adoption.

She recently appeared on Katie as the “American Philomena,” and shared what it was like to be separated from her firstborn son. That son, Pete, whom she’s been reunited with for 14 years, appeared on the show too. During the talk, Katie asked him if he’d had a longing to reconnect with Leslie.

His response is one many adoptees might relate to: “Always. You always do. You tread lightly because you don’t want to upset your adoptive family, you don’t want to make them think you’re unhappy, but there’s just something there. . .”

We had the pleasure of meeting Leslie at a Donaldson Adoption Institute sponsored screening of Ann Fessler’s film A GIRL LIKE HER last year. Her personal story is included in the film, and in Fessler’s book The Girls Who Went Away. Leslie was drawn to social work, and in particular adoption work, after placing her two firstborn sons for adoption when she was a teenager.

Today, she works with all members of the adoption triad and educates therapists as well. “I get so many calls from folks all over the country looking for an ‘adoption competent’ therapist that I developed a questionnaire to use when interviewing potential therapists,” she said.

The following are Leslie’s ten suggested questions to ask a potential therapist:

1. What is your experience working with the triad? Are you familiar with the term?

2. Have you worked mainly with adopted children, or also with adult adoptees and birth parents?

3. Do you have experience working with international and trans-racial adoptees?

4. What are the top books you would recommend to learn more about the issues inherent to adoption? (Primal Wound, and 20 Things Adoptive Kids Wished Their Parents Knew are two)

5. Since little is mentioned about adoption or foster care in undergraduate programs, have you received post-graduate certification in an adoption clinical competency program?

6. Do you attend conferences related to adoption needs and concerns? (These are typically held by the American Adoption Congress, Child Welfare League of America, and North American Council on Adoptive Children)

7. What are your thoughts on open versus closed adoption? (Should favor open across the board with the exception of very contentious situations.)

8. What is your experience with clients reuniting with their birth families? (Favorable in supporting search & reunion?)

9. What is your thinking about minor children meeting their birth parents? (Should support; obviously with supervision of adoptive parents)

10. Do you know of any local support groups for adoptive parents, adoptees or birth parents?

For more information on Leslie’s work as a therapist and speaker, visit lesliepatemackinnon.com. For additional resources, see our list of Organizations Making a Difference.

An Irish mum and U.S. original birth certificates

Friday, January 31st, 2014

In the months since Philomena debuted and went on to receive four Oscar nominations, Philomena (both the real person and the movie version) has brought international attention to Ireland’s adoption history and helped drum up support for legal changes that would allow Irish adoptees to access records that could help them trace their origins.  

What I hadn’t realized until last year, and many of our friends who had been adopted hadn’t either, is that there are 39 U.S. States with years, if not decades, worth of sealed records—even now in 2014. This means millions of American adoptees have restricted access to their origins, ancestry, and in some cases—to medical history that could help an adoptee and his or her children with genetic-related illnesses, as Darlene Coyne’s story on this site shows.

Shining a light on that fact—and putting a human face on those numbers—was what inspired us to create Secret Sons & Daughters and begin collecting stories. With that said, it’s important to clarify that advocating for a right to one’s original birth certificate is often confused with advocating reunions. To us they are separate issues.

Having unrestricted access to your original birth certificate means having the right to the truth about your origins, your ancestry, your medical history—the nonfiction version of your life’s first chapter if you will. It’s a right every non-adopted adult enjoys, as well as adult adoptees in almost a dozen U.S. states. What you do with that truth, whether or not you initiate a relationship, and at what level of contact (if available), is something very personal, something to be worked out within families, and something beyond the realm of legislation.

It’s also something incredibly complicated, as we know from our own experiences. In order to get information beyond what an original birth certificate offers, you have to make contact. For some adoptees, connecting with biological families is meaningful well beyond an exchange of information, for others it’s not, and for others still, any sort of contact is not worth the potential complications. As you’ll see, we honor all perspectives on this site.        

To find out where your birth state stands on records access, visit our Discover Your Rights page.